I was talking with my boyfriend a few nights ago about girls who keep diaries and I realized that this has been the only place that I have written down life events for the past 6 years. Wow. 6 years. I also noticed that I have not written in a long time. I have done a lot of thinking in the past few days about why I haven't written often and I believe it is because I have been to afraid to be honest with myself. 

I have not been who I could be because I have been lazy. However I believe the laziness has come from the truest place of burnout. There was a time in my life where I woke up a 4:30am went to the gym worked out until 6:30am got dressed was at school by 7:30a and spent the day semi-learning. I then was released from school at 2:20p and was in rehearsal for theater until 5:00pm I would then go to work at Best Buy until 10pm and then come home work on any video projects I had left or homework and go to sleep just to do it all over again. I balanced that with a social life, other extracurriculars, a boyfriend, a family and a dog. The course work was not as difficult as college however when I was in that place in my life I never wanted to take a day for myself or slowdown. I had drive and a mission and I wanted to be the best possible me. Over the past year I have lost myself, I have had the best intentions but the drive was/is gone. I don't want to finish a paper or go to class, finish projects with my extracurriculars or do well at any of my jobs. The problem with being honest with myself though is am I just lazy and a person who is unsuccessful at delivering what they say or if I am just not in a place to complete these things. The other idea is that maybe I am just using situations surrounding my life to be an excuse for being the worst version of myself. 

For all purposes I have found a boyfriend that makes me genuinely happy and my family and I are in a much better place than we have been in a long time. He is a different kind of love, a practical one if you will. He's my best friend first and a boyfriend second. My friends recently graduated from our college and it's been more difficult to see them all go than I had anticipated but after being accepted to a University closer to them and visiting it, I found my current school is a better fit for my senior year and although it would be nice to be closer to the people I love, I have to be smart and stick it out. I have applied to 6 programs for an internship to pursue a career in a field I would have never dreamed would be an option for me but this career would be the career of my dreams. It's funny how sometimes what you think is your dream, which in my case was to be a doctor, may not necessarily be the right dream. In two weeks I will know where my life is heading and although I hate to admit it ,or in the case of the current topic, be honest with myself- I will either be resigned to a former dream that did not fit as well or a dream that could make my life as happy as possible. I was accepted to one of the programs but it was located 650 miles off the west coast of America and the cost of living is triple what it is here and the work visa does not permit me to work. As a child I never believed that dreams could be inhibited by anything ,especially finances, but in being realistic and honest with myself, this program is just simply not affordable. I was rejected by another program but have interviewed for two others and the reactions of the interviewers have given me a great deal of hope. On the same note though it is still a waiting game.

Baz Luhrman had a good idea but if I could offer advice for the future it would be this:

"Distance yourself from others but still make memories, and always remember to breathe."